Understanding Desire: Why You’re Not "Broken" If You Don’t Feel Like Sex

Written By Kellie D

Low desire is one of the most common reasons people seek sex therapy. But here’s the truth: desire is complex, and not feeling like sex doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash‍ ‍

Desire Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

Some people experience spontaneous desire (like a spark out of nowhere). Others experience responsive desire—it emerges after connection, closeness, or touch. Others still do not experience any sexual desire at all. And all of this - is completely normal!

Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, uses the Dual Control Model to explain sexual desire:

  • Sexual Excitation System (SES): like an accelerator —responds to things that turn you on.

  • Sexual Inhibition System (SIS): like a brake—responds to things that signal it’s not a good time.

All of us have an SES and an SIS that have different levels of sensitivity. If you’re feeling stressed, tired, disconnected, or anxious—your brake might be stronger than your accelerator. That’s just your nervous system doing its job.

So What Gets In the Way of Desire?

  • Not having the kind of sex we want

  • Emotional or relational disconnection

  • Mental health challenges like anxiety or depression

  • Hormonal or medical changes

  • Shame or trauma histories

  • Busy schedules, parenthood, or burnout

All of these are valid. All of it is normal. And it can be explored with kindness.

Sex Therapy Can Help You:

  • Understand how your mind and body work

  • Build emotional and physical intimacy

  • Navigate differences in desire within relationships

  • Feel comfortable asking for the sex you actually want

  • Reconnect with your values and what brings you pleasure

Sex therapy isn’t about fixing low desire—it’s about understanding your unique wiring and creating conditions that allow desire to grow.

Kellie D
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